I realized something about myself a minute ago: I’m pretty much the iced tea equivalent of a chain smoker.

Most of the time when I finish a jug of iced tea I just fill the jug back up with water, throw in the powder, mix, and refrigerate. I don’t wash the jug in-between; I don’t take a break from iced tea to drink something else; I don’t worry about all the sugar I’m gulping down.

And it didn’t strike me until just now that that’s a little weird.

Now I’m beginning to wonder what else I do that’s weird. It’s making me really self-conscious. Now I’m going to have to eat like sixteen Oreos…

Iced tea is not juice. For many years, I have been a staunch defender of this claim. You could say it has been one of my battle cries. I have held many debates on the matter with poor, deceived individuals such as my mother and some people who I used to consider friends. (Yes, iced tea can be divisive. Anything truly important is bound to be divisive.)

After so many unproductive discussions, I have finally decided to explain the truth behind the iced tea myth. This may be the most important document you will ever read.

The One Hand
To begin, I will first explain the reasoning behind my opponents’ claims about iced tea, as I understand it. Don’t be fooled by this section of the report, no matter how convincing it may seem. This is only a fancy writing strategy known as a Delayed Thesis. As soon as I finish laying out this side of the argument, I plan to turn the debate on its head and offer my side of things. Be ready for it; the flip can be disorienting.

The best way to summarize the beliefs of what I will call the “juice camp” is with this phrase: “Iced tea is juice.” There are three basic supporting arguments for this assertion. Read the rest of this entry…