A coalition of linguists from North America and the United Kingdom today announced that they will no longer support the use of the word “dozen” in the English language. The group’s given reason for this boycott is the “vocabularistic devolution” of the term. Over the course of past decades, the Clear Language Alliance claims, “dozen” has come to be too closely associated with the similar-sounding word “doesn’t,” a word that has clear negative connotations.

“We live in a world that is characterized by far too much negative thinking,” says CLA spokesperson Alan Thifamilé. “Everywhere you turn you hear messages of doom and gloom: the economy is failing, American soldiers are dying overseas, and so on. It’s important that we don’t let the circumstances of our world so deeply infiltrate and define our language.”

The CLA is campaigning to have words with unnecessary negative implications removed from English dictionaries in order to counteract the language’s trend towards pessimism. Other words the CLA hopes to have removed include “Wine,” “Insulate,” and the prefix “Un.” So far, the group has not made any recommendations about what these words would be replaced with.

Asked if the CLA felt there might be a loss of diversity and meaning if their recommendations were followed, Thifamilé responded, “President Obama triumphed on a platform of Yes We Can. Would you have voted for him if he had said No We Can’t? It’s very similar with the word ‘dozen.’ If you have only a few dollars in your pocket and you’re worrying about how you’re going to afford the mortgage you took out before you lost your job at Burger King, then are you more likely to buy twelve roses, or a dozen? Which of those words sounds more encouraging and attainable? We’re all about promoting hope-based vocabulary rather than language based on the depressing realities of everyday life.”

Grant Poynte is Associate Professor of Linguistics at the University of Sussex. He writes a weekly column about the evolution of the English language for NATEL.

That said, I don’t really use the word “dozen” very often, myself, and I’m not a big fan of wine, so I don’t really care if they remove those words or not.

What do you think?

To help you in your future decisions, I’ve compiled a brief list of writing utensils and described their strengths and weaknesses.

Pen
Strengths:
Pens make a permanent, clean imprint that is professional and confident. They come in a variety of colours; select the right colour for the job to strengthen your message: blue for casual notes, black for bold statements and important documents, and red for critiques or chastisements.

Weaknesses:
The permanence of a pen’s ink means that mistakes are unsightly and difficult to correct. For everyday use, crossing out or scribbling over mistakes will suffice, and can even add a layer of authenticity. For anything more important, though, white-out is required, and that can be a serious drawback.

Pencil
Strengths:
Pencils are ideal for drawing and doodling: applying different levels of pressure and altering the angle of the pencil can produce a wide variety of artistic effects. Pencils are also eraseable, which is extremely useful both for drawing and for notewriting, if you prefer to avoid scribbles or whiteout.

Weaknesses:
Since anything written or drawn by a pencil is easily eraseable, pencils have a “Temporary” sort of vibe to them that can negatively affect the perceived importance or weight of anything they produce. Pencilled writing looks unimportant and unprofessional, which can be a serious drawback.

Pencil Crayon
Strengths:
Pencil crayons are the ideal tool for completing your Disney Princesses colouring book. They come in a wide variety of colours, so you’ll never be forced to make Jasmine’s headband blue when it’s supposed to be cyan. And if you accidentally colour Snow White’s hair blonde, you can just go over it with a black pencil crayon and easily cover it up.

Weaknesses:
Pencil crayons suffer from similar weaknesses to pencils, but they are more difficult to erase. Due to their wide variety of colours, they are even less professional-looking than normal pencils. Also, since they are used primarily for shading, it is hard to find pencil crayons that maintain a good point, which means that writing with them is blurry and imprecise, compared to pens or sharpened pencils.

Markers (Washable and Unwashable)
Strengths:
Even better for colouring books. Washable markers can be used for drawing interesting things on your face without worrying that it will still be there when you go back to work on Monday.

Weaknesses:
If you make a mistake in your Disney Princesses colouring book and accidentally make Cinderella’s dress red, it’s harder to hide than if you were using a pencil crayon. Markers are completely uneraseable, and some are extremely permanent–avoid using these on your skin. There can be issues with marker bleeding through the page and making marks on whatever is underneath.

Markers (Sharpies)
Strengths:
Bold, meaningful, professional. Great for signatures on important documents. Wide variety of tip widths. Sharpies are the ultimate doodling tool. Ultra Fine Point Sharpies are like distilled Amazing carefully poured into a hand-moulded container made of a Plastic/Spectacularness alloy.

Weaknesses:
No significant weaknesses have ever been discovered with Sharpie markers.

A Pricked Finger
Strengths:
Good for signing your name on important and/or supernatural contracts.

Weaknesses:
Handled improperly, bleeding can be harmful to your body.