Did you know that the word “euphemism” is, itself, a euphemism?

Yep, that’s right. If someone near you starts talking about your euphemism it means they’re calling you one of two things:

1) If you are male, they’re calling you a sissy.
2) If you are female, they’re calling you a paragon of womanly virtue.

It’s true! Honest!

Do I have to lay it out for you syllable by syllable? ‘Cause I’m not going to.

Ok, fine, I’ll at least point you in the right direction.

Think of the word “euphemism” as “your-fem-ism”.

Get it?

Good. Now stop whining. You’ve already displayed enough euphemistic tendencies for one day.

There’s a lot of concern around the world about the H1N1 virus, also known as Swine Flu. Here are some helpful tips that will help you stay safe and healthy.

1. Wash your hands frequently.
2. Wear a surgical mask everywhere, including in bed. (Alternative: grow a heavy beard.)
3. Don’t go to Mexico. (It is best to avoid Mexican restaurants or Mexican foods such as tacos and burritos, as well.)
4. Boil your bacon before frying it.
5. Nail several two-by-fours diagonally across your windows and doors. (This will be more effective if you do it in fast-forward and finish by leaning your back against the door and panting heavily.)
6. Place dark blinds over your windows and keep them closed after nightfall.
7. Don’t go out after dark, and don’t take shortcuts through alleys.
8. Spend your disposable income on regional goods and services.
9. Stick together. Don’t split up: that’s when it gets you. (It is also helpful to stay close to the protagonist.)
10. Build your house out of bricks, not hay. (Practice the phrase “Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin” for added benefit.)

If you do all of these things, you should have nothing to worry about from the Swine Flu (or from robbers, Nazi bombers, gang members, the failing economy, horror movie villains, or the Big Bad Wolf, for that matter).

Here are ten things that are not as good as cheese:

1. Beans
2. Seagulls
3. Linux
4. Ninja stars
5. Credit cards
6. Clowns
7. Gene Wilder
8. Big Bird
9. The color blue
10. Nitrous oxide

Every tool or technology has its power-users. These are people who wholeheartedly embrace every ability and opportunity that the new tool offers them; people who see the tool’s infinite potential and zero downside; people who evangelize the new tool to their friends; people who become the tool.

Twitter is no exception. Power-Tweeters, also known as twitter-junkies, or “twunkies”, see Twitter as the Next Big Thing, the platform through which all other platforms will be united in greatness. Twitter is, to them, the Digital Messiah. It is a revolution; it is a rebirth.

Twunkies spend all of their time completely immersed in the “Twitterverse” or “Twittersphere”–some have even been known to post tweets while sleeping! They are addicts; they are captives; they can be dangerous. Read the rest of this entry…

This morning, I awoke, showered, dressed myself, took milk out of the fridge, and opened my kitchen cupboard, expecting to find a box of cereal with which I could prepare my breakfast. Unfortunately, my cupboard was devoid of suitable breakfast material, because I have failed to stop in at the grocery store on the way home from work over the past few days.

At this point, I had two options. I could skip breakfast entirely (and deal with the consequences of an unkickstarted metabolism), or I could stop in somewhere on the way into work and buy myself some greasy food.

I chose the latter option and opted for a McDonald’s drive-thru. I ordered an iced tea (no ice) with my meal, because while apple juice and orange juice are generally better early morning choices, the juice varieties McDonald’s carries are subpar representatives of the category.

I paid, drove up to the second window, and received my purchase. As the girl handed me my drink, I heard a disturbing rattle from within the cup: ICE! Read the rest of this entry…